I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
