so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
