I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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