if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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