I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
