I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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