the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
