be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
