Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
