I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
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It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
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Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
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Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."