I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
