Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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