just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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