Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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