My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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