There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize