my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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