I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
