Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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