I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
