Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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