You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Two words: blizzard sex
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