I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
