If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
