do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
