I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
