I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
