Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
pop tarts are not kleenex
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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