I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
