I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
