so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
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We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
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you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.