omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.