just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.