I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
