people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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