I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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