Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
