i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
