I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
