I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
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