you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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