I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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