So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I will die if light touches me.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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