Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
