I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Sorry about my life...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
