Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
