Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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