i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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