if you like me you must not know who I am
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
