Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
