I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
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i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
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He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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