nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
