It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
