she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis